The Different Versions We Hold

The strange number of “selves” in psychology

One thing I have been finding quite interesting in psychology is how many theories there are around the idea of the “self”.

Sometimes you come across models with two selves, then three selves, then four or five different versions of yourself somehow coexisting at the same time.

And part of me always finds it slightly intriguing because, unlike your physical body where you can clearly point to two arms or two legs, there is obviously something much more arbitrary about deciding how many “selves” there actually are and where exactly one ends and another begins.

But despite that slightly abstract side, I still think some of these theories capture something quite real about human experience. One framework that particularly stayed with me is Higgins’ self-discrepancy theory.

The theory distinguishes three "self":

• the “actual self”, who we feel we currently are

• the “ideal self”, the version we would ideally like to be

• the “ought self”, the version shaped by expectations, responsibility, and social norms

The tension between the different selves

What Higgins suggests is that psychological tension can emerge from the discrepancies between those selves.

For instance, when there is a large gap between the actual self and the ideal self, this can create feelings such as disappointment, frustration, dissatisfaction, or the impression of not being where we “should” be in life.

I think this becomes especially interesting today because our “ideal self” is constantly being influenced and reshaped by external factors.

Social media is probably one of the strongest examples as we are continuously exposed to curated versions of success, lifestyle, or happiness. After a while, it can subconsciously change the standards we compare ourselves against.

This can create a strange dynamic where the version of ourselves we feel we should become gradually moves further and further away from our current reality and create that dissatisfaction.

Which self is driving?

This framework also made me reflect quite a lot on careers and ambition more broadly, because two people can externally look very similar while internally being driven by very different things.

They can for instance be both ambitious, disciplined and high-performing. But psychologically, the driving force underneath may not be the same.

For one, ambition may come mostly from the ideal self. There can be excitement, curiosity, energy, or alignment behind what they are pursuing.

For the other one, the “ought self” may slowly become dominant. Achievement then becomes more connected to external validation, pressure, status, and the fear of falling behind expectations.

I suspect many "high achievers" can fluctuate between the two more than they realise. Because at the beginning, the ideal self and the ought self can feel aligned; the same achievement can simultaneously feel exciting and externally rewarded.

The paradox

What I find interesting is that there seems to be a paradox underneath all this. On one side, there is growth, ambition, and striving towards a better version of ourselves, which can be deeply meaningful.

But on the other side, if our sense of happiness becomes dependent on reaching that future version, we can spend most of life psychologically living somewhere else than the present moment. Always slightly incomplete, slightly behind and “not quite there yet”.

Which is why I increasingly feel there is something important in learning to hold both at the same time: having ambitions, goals, and direction, while also being relatively at peace with who we currently are.

And in many ways, this is not a particularly new idea. Many philosophical and spiritual traditions have reflected for centuries on the importance of accepting ourselves as we are.

Sometimes we just need a reminder to actually take a break and enjoy the journey we are lucky to be on, while being curious and excited about what is coming next. In other words, learning to embrace our current version of ourselves, while still moving towards our ideal one.

Thank you for reading, and as always I would genuinely be curious to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to reach out.