The hidden "I should"

The invisible rules we live by

One thing I have been finding quite interesting in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that while a lot of attention is given to thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, there is another critical dimensions often missed: the assumptions and rules we live by.

These are often expressed as simple statements: "I should..." "I must..." "I have to..."

What I find interesting is that we rarely stop to question them; they can feel so obvious that they almost disappear into the background.

Looking below the surface

Imagine making a mistake at work.

One person might think: "That happens." and moves on.

But another one might think: "I have done a mistake, this is terrible." and keeps thinking about it.

The situation is exactly the same, but the emotional experience can be very different.

What is interesting is that if you keep digging, you often find a deeper rule underneath the automatic thought.

Something like: "I should always be competent." "I should always be in control." "I should not disappoint people at all cost."

Where do these rules come from?

The more I think about it, the more it reminds me of Higgins' theory and the "ought self", described in the previous article.

The ought self is the version of ourselves shaped by expectations, responsibility, social norms, upbringing, culture, and the environments we spend time in.

And many of our "should rules" can be closely connected to it.

They often do not emerge from nowhere as they are gradually absorbed. Sometimes from parents, sometimes from school, sometimes from work environments.

And sometimes from broader messages around success, productivity, ambition, or what a "good life" is supposed to look like.

After a while, the rule no longer feels external, it can become our internal compass

The high-achiever version

I think this is especially visible in ambitious environments.

Many of the rules initially help people succeed professionally. "I should work hard." "I should push myself." "I should always improve."

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these. In fact, many can be incredibly useful.

The difficulty comes when the rule becomes rigid. When it stops being a choice and starts becoming an obligation and no longer serve you.

Because at that point, even professional "success" can start feeling slightly uncomfortable. You can achieve one thing and immediately move to the next without celebrating. You might rest, but feel like you should be doing something productive.

The rule remains active even when nobody is enforcing it.

A useful question

What I find interesting is that we often spend a lot of time questioning our decisions, but relatively little time questioning the rules behind them.

A question I have started finding useful is simply: "Where did this rule come from?". Sometimes the answer is: "This genuinely matters to me."

But sometimes the answer is less obvious. The rule may have originated from a teacher, a manager, a parent, a social environment, or simply years of repeated exposure to the same message.

And yet we continue to follow it as though we consciously chose it ourselves.

Bringing it together

I do not think the objective is to get rid of all our "shoulds", many of them are helpful. But I do think there is value in becoming more aware of the rules we are living by, and the underlying values associated with them.

Because some of them may reflect who we genuinely want to be, while others may simply reflect who we learned we were supposed to be.

And sometimes, what looks like a difficult decision on the surface is actually a deeper question underneath:

"Am I following a direction I genuinely chose, or a rule I stopped questioning a long time ago?"

Thank you for reading, and as always I would genuinely be curious to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to reach out.